What Happens When You Finally Stop Running
I was in a group coaching call today that started with a meditation session. We were asked to think back—where were you five years ago—and then think about where you are today and where you’ll be in five years. I was sitting there thinking. Five years ago, I was drowning myself in work and alcohol—nothing new for me. It’s kind of been my life story. Business-wise, I was on a mission. I was trying to grow the business and dominate a market I probably shouldn’t have been in. In the end, the market couldn’t support the businesses already there. It was oversaturated, and people were giving services away for nothing, so no money was to be made. In the process, I was too blind, working too hard to keep Christina buried deep inside, not letting her out. When I reflect, it feels like there have been more dark times than good times. I’ve often been in self-destruction mode, thinking I could outrun it. I’d tell myself, I’ve lived this long—one day my luck will run out, something will catch me, and then I won’t have to worry. I don’t know if I thought I was fast or lucky. But until recently, nothing ever caught me—because I never slowed down long enough. Now, I’ve quit running. I’m facing everything inside. I’m trying to deal with it and see what that looks like. Because I know what running, burying, and drowning it do—they get you nowhere. So, reflecting on where I’m at now: I’m facing it. I’m dealing with it. I’m trying to become a better person and learn from my mistakes, my struggles, and the harm I’ve done to myself. The thing is, I don’t know if I can weather this storm. I don’t know if in five years it’ll be better. I don’t know if there’ll be anything left. But I’m trying. I’m trying to be hopeful. I’m trying new things, putting myself out there, trying to improve. These stories, or blog posts, or whatever you call them— i’m sure you get the email notifications. And you probably think to yourself why is she even trying .Some days, they’re worth reading; some days, maybe not. But I promised myself: I was going to post every day—good or bad, I was going to post something!What’s five years from now look like? I have no idea. Will I still be on HRT? Will I get the benefits? Or will I still just see a guy in a dress? I guess only time will tell and I hope the future it’s kinder on me in the past has been.
