Letter to my sister (“c”)

Something I should’ve done years ago… I want to apologize for being a shitty brother most of our lives.

Mom always says that when we were little and you were born, I was so excited to have a little sister. But it seems like the older we got, the more withdrawn from life I became—and the worse brother I turned into.

I want you to know it’s not your fault. It honestly has nothing to do with you.

We had a conversation not that long ago, and I came clean about having my own struggles, being in therapy, and working on myself. I’m not trying to make excuses for anything I’ve done over the years—or haven’t done. I just want to apologize and say I’m sorry. I should’ve done better.

I’m sorry for wasting so many years and not having the relationship that we should’ve had.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I can’t find the words to tell you this. I tried the other day when we were on the phone. The words were right there on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t form the sentence. Which doesn’t surprise me—that’s been an ongoing problem most of my life.

The words have always been there… I’ve just never been able to say them.

But I feel like you deserve to know the truth. You deserve my 100% honest honesty.

I hope by me telling you this and coming clean, you don’t hold it against me—and that we can possibly build our relationship moving forward.

This is hard for me to say, so I’m just going to say it.

I have struggled my whole life with body dysmorphia… and being transgender.

I’m guessing as you read those words, it comes as a complete shock. Like most people in our lives, you probably would’ve never guessed. I feel like I’ve done a really good job hiding it—but in the process, I’ve done a really good job of being an asshole and disconnecting from the world.

I’ve spent more time avoiding family functions and being around people because it’s absolutely exhausting trying to keep up with the lies and the character I built to protect myself.

I told you the other day on the phone—when we actually had a real conversation for the first time in probably our adult lives, if not our whole lives—that I just about pulled the trigger and ended it.

I told you I’ve been fighting demons my whole life.

Well, truth be told… the “demon” inside me is something I’ve come to start calling Christina. I figured she needed a name, so that’s the one I picked.

She’s been inside my head for so long, I don’t even know what life without her is.

I’ve spent so many years with the voices in my head sounding like I was in a packed auditorium.

I have recently started HRT—if you don’t know what that is, it’s hormone replacement therapy. I don’t know how far I will take my transition. All I know is I have to try to find inner peace, because I cannot go back to the place I was in a couple months ago.

I have to do everything in my power to find peace and happiness… and to be here for my family.

I decided that day—when I put the gun down—that I was going to make some serious life changes.

I called a doctor, made an appointment, and started down a new journey.

I know this probably all comes as a shock. I don’t expect you to understand it.

I just truly hope it doesn’t ruin what little bit of a relationship we have—and I definitely do not want it to ruin or interfere with the relationship you have with the kids.